Coaching Wizardry

Modal Operators

Modal operators are language patterns that set rules.  They are classed as generalisations in the Meta Model - because we generalise out from one experience to generate a rule ("I must" or "I can't)

Modal operators of possibility set rules about what's possible. 

A limiting pattern would be when we use them in the negative. 

"I can't" or "I just couldn't"

You might challenge these 'rules' by asking questions like:

"What would happen if you did?" or "what's stopping you" or "just suppose you could..."

Model operators of necessity set rules about what's necessary. 

A limiting pattern might be when they become burdensome, when someone is telling themselves they 'have' to do something even if they don't want to or it's not in their best interest.

"I must do" "I have to" "I should"

You might challenge these 'rules' by asking questions like:

"What would happen if you didn't?" "Just suppose you didn't have to, what would that be like?"

This allows people to identify a different set of possibilities outwith the confines of the 'rule'.

The Meta Model

The Meta Model is a set of language patterns, and questions that reconnect the deletions, distortions and generalisations with the experience that generated them.  (We all use filter systems of deletion, distortion and generalisation in order to make sense of the mass of information that we receive from our senses.) 

NLP Practitioners and therapists use the Meta Model both to spot language patterns, and to ask questions that help to move someone beyond the words, back to the experience that created them.  That might be about gathering more information, clarifying meaning, challenging generalisations to identify limitations, and generating choices.

Framing and reframing

What does a teardrop mean to you?  It might conjure up an image or a feeling - sadness, perhaps, or tears of joy.  You might associate it with the sounds of someone crying (or laughing!)

But a teardrop has no absolute meaning, no meaning in itself.  The meaning we attach to it comes from the context - the surrounding frame.  Consider these different frames for teardrops:

• The flood of tears on chopping an onion
• Weeping, softly, silently, in the quiet of an empty room
• Tears of sorrow at saying goodbye to someone who is leaving for ever
• Tears of joy when you see someone you thought was lost
• Crying with laughter at a comedy show
• Emotions washing over us at the birth of a child
• A baby crying with hunger, frustration and fury
• The sting of tears when we read a beautiful poem
• Eyes watering on a windswept walk along a cliff

The context provides the frame, and the meaning.  But often we imagine what the context is and come up with our own frames, often out of habit (for example always assuming the worst - or the best!) But those frames won't always show us the whole picture.  They might well be different to the frames that other people use (and that can lead to a good deal of misunderstanding).  They might be frames that do not allow us to feel resourceful, or to recognise that we have choices.

Becoming more aware of frames allows us to:

• see things from a different perspective - or many perspectives
• see things from another point of view
• try out new frames that will make us feel more resourceful, and give us new choices

Pacing and leading

Pacing and leading are closely related to the concept of rapport.  Pacing involves 'matching' someone for a while (going at their pace) until you have gained enough rapport that when you slowly start to change what you are doing (leading) the individual will follow.

Pacing and leading depend on the quality of rapport that you have build up.  If you go too fast or move too abruptly you will break rapport.  (When that happens you will need to 'go back' and pace them again.) 

Some people are uncomfortable with the idea of 'leading', as if it is manipulative or controlling.  But you will not be able to create rapport, to enter into that relationship with someone, if you doing it with an intention to control: remember rapport is a two-way street, a relationship between people, and that by pacing someone (in order to lead) you are in effect joining someone else's reality, their map of the world.  You can only do this effectively by respecting their model of the world (another of the presuppositions of NLP).

A really simple way to think about pacing and leading (and again I am grateful to Joseph O'Connor for the metaphor) is to imagine that you are walking alongside someone.  If you are walking too fast they will have to hurry to keep up, too slow and they'll feel like they're dawdling.  Either way they're the ones who are having to make the effort. 

If you want to change someone's speed the first thing you need to do is walk alongside them at their pace for a while.  That is you matching what they are doing (in terms of speed, physiology and so on) but a deeper level you are signalling respect for their model of the world, and a willingness to enter into it.

Then, once you have rapport, change your pace to one that suits you better and they will be more likely to speed up or slow down... in a totally natural way.

What do we mean by rapport?

Rapport is fundamental to all coaching and NLP.  The thesaurus definition of rapport is:

• a relation of mutual understanding or trust and agreement between people
• a feeling of sympathetic understanding
• sympathetic compatibility

I'd highlight a few important words from that definition:

Relation... between people.  It's not something one person 'does' to another.  It exists between people.

Trust. Rapport is connected to but not the same as trust.  Rapport can be built (and lost) quickly.  Trust takes time.

Feeling. There's often a 'feeling' of connection with someone - but you might not be able to put your finger on why, or how

So rapport is all about the relationship between people.  Although there are things that you can do to build rapport you cannot manipulate another person into feeling it.  To build rapport you also need to let yourself be open to influence - and to respect the other person that you are communicating with.

You can create rapport by relating to people in a way that creates a climate of trust and understanding.  Although we can learn ways to build and create rapport it is important to remember that rapport is natural.  It is integral to human communication. 

As Joseph O'Connor reminds us: "we do not need to create it as much as stop doing what could be preventing it..."

The importance of trust

Trust is closely linked to rapport.  But although rapport can be built immediately, trust takes time. 

There are things you will need to do, or demonstrate, to gain a person's trust.  These apply across contexts - as a colleague, a manager, a coach or NLP practitioner, a writer, a friend, a family member, a neighbour.  Although you demonstrate them by things that you do (or say, or write) they flow from the way that you are being.

Joseph O'Connor suggests six 'ways of being' for coaches to use to gain a client's trust  - approaches that would make a significant impact whatever field you are working in:

• Be real
• Be sincere
• Be competent
• Be honest
• Be congruent
• Be there

Can you imagine what difference these could make to relationships that you are building?

What is NLP? The 18th Camel

There are many definitions of NLP.  None of them capture it perfectly.  I think NLP must be a bit like a jelly that is hard to pin down (but good to eat….and you’ll know it when you see it!).  It is based on a set of presuppositions which are the central principles of NLP.  They are not claimed to be true or universal.  They are called presuppositions because you pre-suppose them to be true – almost like choosing to believe them – and then act as if they were true.  This is a good way to start learning about NLP – maybe you could ‘try on’ the different presuppositions and see which ones speak the most to you – make you feel more confident maybe, or relaxed, or perhaps a little strange, or uncomfortable, or intrigued, or just curious to learn more…

Richard Bandler defined NLP as an attitude and methodology that leaves behind a trail of techniques.  John Grinder said it is an accelerated learning strategy for the detection and utilization of patterns in the in the world.  Some people say it is the influence of language on our mind and subsequent behaviour.  Or you could say that it is learning to read maps – your own and other people’s – and the art of changing those maps, playfully and lovingly, to create more choices and open new doors. 

Or you might say that NLP is like the story of the 18th camel...

Predicates: how we talk with our senses

Predicates in NLP are words that connect to one of the five representational systems: visual, auditory, kinaesthetic, olfactory and gustatory.  They are a reflection of those systems and they also give us clues to the representational system that someone is using. 

For example if this makes perfect sense you might sense, "oh, I see what you mean".  That would be linked to the visual system.

On the other hand you might still be wondering what I'm talking about and say "it's all Greek to me"... which would be auditory (what you can - or in this case cannot - here).

By this point you might find yourself saying "oh I'm starting to get a handle on it now" which might suggest... that's right, a kinaesthetic preference.

It can be fun to watch out for the predicates that you and other people are using (yes, that was me being visual).  It's another way to improve communication with other people (and your self!)

What's a metaphor?

Metaphors make comparisons.  They compare one thing with another - often something quite unlike it in a literal sense - in order to illuminate.  You might remember metaphors as examples of figures of speech when you were learning about literature.  But they are not just something that perform a function in literature.  We use them all the time.

Metaphors are great at communicating meaning - in particular multiple or ambiguous meanings.  Metaphors take us beyond one meaning and open up new possibilities and avenues.

Here are some great metaphors for metaphors from Joseph O'Connor's NLP workbook:

"A metaphor is like shining a coloured spotlight on an object, making it appear to be a different colour, or like taking a piece of music and transposing it into another key while making it more elaborate.  The tune is the same but the expression is different.  A metaphor can be like a breath of fresh air in a stuffy classroom."

Metaphors have an important role to play within coaching and NLP.  Milton Erickson - whose work had a profound influence on the development of NLP - used metaphors, stories and analogies to access a client's unconscious resources, bypassing conscious resistance and allowing the client to make connections at a deeper level.

Representational systems: re-presenting the world

One of the definitions of NLP "is the study of the structure of our subjective experience".  That includes the way that we represent (or re-present) our experiences of the world. 

You will be familiar with the idea that we pay attention to the outside world through our five senses:

seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling, tasting

These translate in NLP terms as:

visual, auditory, kinaesthetic, olfactory, gustatory

Sometimes you will just see the letters that stand for them:

V, A, K, O, G

Well, just as we see, hear, taste, touch and smell the outside world we also re-create or re-present those sensations in our mind, using our senses inwardly.

We use all of these systems, but we will tend to favour one over others.  This is what is known as the preferred representational system. 

Joseph O'Connor defines this in the NLP workbook as "the representational system that an individual typically uses to think consciously and organise their experience."

You might find references to representational systems in relation to learning styles.

For example a visual learner will want to see things (pictures, diagrams, handouts); an auditory learner will gather information from the spoken word, sounds, and noises; someone with a kinaesthetic learning style will want to learn through touching, feeling, holding, doing or practical hands-on experiences.

Increased awareness of these representational systems can help us communicate better with other people.  It can also make us more self-aware - perhaps of things that help us to learn, or get in the way of our learning.

Words that link to a particular representational system are known as predicates.  You can find out more about predicates here.